[and if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free]

Except that this isn't home.

She's at the Manor. Having the cats around helps, they've all curled up on her bed recently, but even still, it feels convenient. She's moved in now because her apartment got blown up. And getting her own place after this will feel like a distancing she doesn't want to force. Yet being here like this feels as though /her/ hand was forced.

Which, of course, it was, though not by Bruce.

So, she sits here in bed, unable to get out of it easily on her own for anything.

Her mood is not what one would call good.

This is a little more than she normally takes on.

A heist like this is outside of her usual sort of thing but she has it on good authority that everything she's taking tonight has already been stolen once. The museum has no rights to it at all.

So, it means that she won't mind nipping in and taking a few pieces her self.

Besides, she's always been a sucker for certain Egyptian pieces....

So everyone knows, I am going out of town for a trade show from the 30th to the 2nd. I'm really wishing that were not so at the moment for various and sundry reasons but there isn't much I can do about it. While I will most certainly have internet access while there, I don't expect to have time to do much of anything not related to work.

I'm hoping to have wrapped up any plots I'm in by then but right now, I think the odds on that are a little long.

The visions given to Selina have been mostly of death but the next facet is all about life.

She's been feeling off for a week or two now. It took her this long to figure out what it might be. She'd never thought... She'd thought it wasn't possible and it wasn't as if they'd been trying... Well, looking at it one way they were trying all the time but all of those one and point five percents seem to have built up into one big affirmation.

The trip to Leslie's office confirmed it.

Selina Kyle is pregnant. And now she has to tell Bruce.

She's quiet.

This is something she doesn't want to do in the Clocktower, so she's doing it in costume.

It doesn't feel right in costume but without it, she feels too vulnerable to start the road back. She's not in a position of power here and anything she can do to increase her confidence.

Catwoman is a powerful figure even when Selina Kyle is not.

So, as she walks up behind Nightwing (and yes, tracking him down is something of a pain) the walk is purely Catwoman, very feline, get feminine - very quiet.

Stepping up next to him, she smiles.

"Hey there handsome."

There are a lot more than two, to be honest but there are two that need to know before everyone else.

And the first one has Selina visiting her as soon as she gets off of the plane.

Pausing outside the place, she frowns and then continues to head on inside. She hates this place. It is the best place for Maggie but she still hates it. It means her sister is still comatose. It means she couldn't save her from Black Mask. It means that she's going to have to have yet another one sided conversation. She'd protected Maggie for so many years, from their parents and so many other things.

It only takes failing once.

Pausing at the door, she pauses and then pushes into the room.

"Maggie... I have something to tell you..."

It doesn't happen much but from time to time Selina visits the cats in the Gotham Zoo.

Well, that happens regularily but what doesn't happen all the time is Selina visiting the cats when no one else can. They're usually sleeping but even still, being near them is helpful. Calming. She doesn't go into the enclosures because she respects their power. Any of the big cats in here could take her for dinner and wouldn't that just be a stupid way for everything to end?

Still, sometimes it is tempting to want to go in there and curl up near the large furry warmth.

She wishes it were feasible to let them out. Most of these cats were born in captivity and they wouldn't know what to do out on their own but seeing them here can be sad. Still, she's glad that they're here for her - to help her find a calm place.

A soft sigh and she heads out to return to her own cats.

Three attempted muggings, one assault and one attempted rape later and Selina actually makes it home. Slipping into her apartment, she curls up as the world starts to lighten from darkness into greys. Pong, Miu and Isis all show up - taking their own time to do so, of course. Pong is a solid presence at her back, Isis curls up at her stomach and Miu tries to curl up on Selina's head. After a few attempts of that not working, she settles for just above her head. Selina lets her hand smooth across Isis' fur, letting herself process the recent events in silence.

Scarecrow. Leslie. Zatanna. Constantine. Diana. John. Mary. Barbara. Dick.

Bruce.

She isn't going to be coming to any conclusions in the new dawning day. And a few minutes after closing her eyes, she wonders if her turbulent thoughts will allow her to get any sleep, either.

It seems like it has been much longer than it truly has been when Selina can finally look out of the window next to her and see the familiar cityscape of Gotham below her. She's been trying not to think about it while she's been gone for various reasons. The apperance she'd put on at the Con had helped the shelter and she'd raised a nice bit of money for them as well with the apperance.

There are so many emotions brought with looking down on the city.

It will be nice to sleep in a bed she knows.

Working at the shelter can be very rewarding. It is in her name, after all, no matter why she has it. Other days it is frustrating, aggravating and painful. Very painful. Battered women, wives and girls on the street, coming in and making excuses.

Some times driving the car, or hell, even sitting in the car helps but other days there is nothing, nothing, that helps other than going out and finding some one, some bad man to beat up.

In this case, the irony is not lost on her.

She can hear her mother's excuses in the voices of the women and it hurts her. All she can do is give them a place to be, a safe place. She remembers laying in an alleyway herself, struggling for breath. It is hard to change, easier to just endure and live in fear.

Except it isn't all she can do. She can give these men the most frightening night of their lives. For most of them, though, it won't make them see. It won't change them and while Selina will feel better about things, truly, these men need to be put in jail and their wives need to be able to leave them. They need to be able to break the cycle. And that is not a job for Catwoman or Selina Kyle.

But she makes sure that these women can get the help they need. Harvey's card is given. Leslie's address is given. The shelter stays open. Self-defense classes are taught. And muggers and pimps in the East End have more in the shadows to fear.

She makes her way through the rows of headstones as if she's been here a thousand times.

She hasn't but it feels like it. The weight of this journey is always something that leaves marks on her - the path to the headstone like the path her emotions eat through her nerve endings. Indelible schema of events in her mind all pulled together into her past, inescapable in that it has happened and will always have happened. Her past has forged her into the present and no matter how she feels about it, this man was part of it.

Stopping in front of the grave, she stares down at the headstone, mostly blank. A name, dates, but no loving epitaph as there was no one to give one when they asked. She and Maggie had been swept away to the state run boarding school by that point. A glance to the plot next to it but her eyes skitter off the name and the memories there and back to the one she stands in front of.

"Useless bastard."

All of the time spent hiding, all of the time wishing she could have done something more to protect her mother before... Not thinking about it, she kicks the headstone once, the rubber sole of her boot impacting and bouncing off. "Useless fucking drunken bastard." She wishes she could have done that then, taken more of the bruises that ended up claimed by her mother's pale skin. Giving more of them to her father.

It never makes her feel better. One day, she hopes, that it might. That she can leave all of this entirely behind her but we are what we've been made and to be what you are now, you must also be what you were before it. Turning from her father's grave, she starts the walk back out of the cemetary.

Find out who I owe dinner to.

The change in attitude cannot be because I left. So, someone had to have done something.

I'm likely going to have to re-offer my time as a babysitter.

I need to find better hobbies.

Well, that isn't true. I love what I do.

There are just some days that it hurts more than it is fun. There are a lot of those days, to be entirely honest, but still.

Sometimes the anger and frustration Bruce carries around reonates in me and then we resonate (and yell) at each other and that doesn't work out so well. So, we both go do other things. And, in a lot of cases, the same sort of things. I'm happy there aren't any reporters following me around anymore. Some of these bruises are going to be hard to hide. I hate it when someone gets a shot in at my face.

Maybe I'll just stay home for a few days.

I stopped at Crime Alley on my way back home this evening. There is always something happening there and some how I always seem to forget how close it is to where I live. I'm glad I stopped there this evening since I was able to do some good. Nothing big, really, in the grand scheme of things I've done but it made me feel better about my evening.

Miu has taken to attempting to sleep near my face. It is cute but she's also sleeping almost on my neck and makes it a little hard to breathe at times. I have a line of cats when I sleep, Pong sleeping at my feet and Isis above my head and now Miu. If only I could her her to sleep on my stomach instead.

I need a long shower and something to eat before I sleep.

I stayed in the shower until hot water ran out. And then I stayed a little bit longer.

Once I got out of the shower, I put the earings back in. I'm hoping Oracle calls me.

If I have the chance to hit things, I know that I will have all of this anger to channel into it. I know that I will have a righteous feeling fury that I will use to hurt them. I will use it to make them pay.

I realize that this must be how Bruce feels. This coldness and the banked fire. Being so full that you're empty.

Maybe I'm simply fooling myself. Bruce doesn't feel this way. I have no idea at all.

And I have to stop thinking about it or I'll go mad. I can't do anything right now except go on with life.

And be ready. I have to be ready.

I keep thinking about that conversation with Kip. I didn't tell him. I was afraid to tell him and so I didn't. I was afraid that telling him might have driven him away. I was afraid that I might have driven myself away with it. Is it worse this way?

I don't know. All I know is that I have to go to trial tomorrow and sit in that room with Eddie.

Heaven help him.

Rubbing her head didn't seem to help anything but it was better than not doing anything, so here she was, rubbing at her temples hoping that the headache would go away. She hates being inactive. Especially when there are things to do. A lot of things to do.

Holly is talking to Alejandro's cousin, or that's the plan at least. She, however, needs to wait for that to happen. She can't go out there right now and start smacking people around and try to find out why he died. Who killed him? What happened? There cannot be that many people who carry, let alone use knives like the one that killed Alejandro.

Maybe she should get another cat. That would take up some more of her time.

Waiting is horrible. Going out to dinner tomorrow. Going out to dinner in a place which will cause lots of photos and lots of gossip. She really just wants this to be over. It won't be, though. She'll have to face Eddie before it will be over. This is one of those situations where you have to face it down. For years she's been able to give off the impresion that she didn't give a damn what anyone thought, no matter how untrue it was.

Right now, though, she's almost expecting someone to create more scandal around her and Bruce. Because this is Gotham and nothing is ever easy. Though, really, if they haven't come up with it yet, they likely weren't creative enough to come up with anything else. It isn't like anyone writing those gossip rags are expecting Bruce to stay with her. What are the odds on that, right?

Selina stood up and made her way into the kitchen, glancing at the calendar as she did so. Getting two steps passed, she then backed up and looked at the calendar again, something having hooked her thoughts as she looked the first time. Two dates, rather important ones, grabbed her attention, though it took awhile longer for the second one to resolve into any sort of meaning. Both in the next week or so.

"Oh damn."

She was not looking forward to fighting the small gathering or reporters who seemed to follow her around these days to go shopping for presents.

It could have gone worse.

Selina keeps telling herself that. Curled up on the couch with a blanket pulled over her, her hair still wet from the long bath she took, she tries to tell herself that it could have gone worse. It is true but she still feels miserable. Right now she's begining to realize what this trial will do, how much of her life will become public knowledge and how much of that information she's tried to put behind her - tried to forget.

Isis is curled up at her stomach and Pong is at her feet. They're both trying to help make her feel better. And she does appreciate it. It is just a small thing compared to the fact that right now, she wishes she made different decisions. It doesn't matter, at the moment, that had she not what she did that Stan's next attack would have likely killed her. It doesn't matter that's she's never really regreted her decisions before.

Now she just has to make sure that this doesn't drag in people who don't deserve to be dragged into it. She has to keep Holly out of it. And the gossip rags are going to have a field day with the fact that Bruce Wayne is dating not only and ex-costumed criminal (who /hasn't/ in Gotham) but an ex-prostitute as well. Not that /Bruce/ likely cares but he doesn't need the flak this will bring him.

Selina snorts softly at herself, causing Isis to look up at her curiously. Pulling a hand out from under tha blanket, she pets Isis, shaking her head. Well done, Selina. Two weeks into the new year and you make your first excuse as to why this isn't going to work. It's a good one, sure but be honest. It is still an excuse to not try to make this work.

Which doesn't make her feel any better.

At least she isn't the one pressing charges. She doesn't have to be there for the whole thing. She's just the main witness. She'll just have to be there for most of it.

She should really get up and get into bed. Sleeping here will not help the stiffness or the soreness in her muscles but right now she only wishes she had more cats.

Bruce Wayne will only be seen with one woman in public in the new year.

And that woman will be me.

Is it too cynical of me to wonder if we both started looking for exits as soon as we both agreed to try to make this work? Or do I just know both of us well enough to know that is simply the truth? There has been a part of me that has been looking for exits almost since we started this. I've been ignoring it. Just like I ignore the part of me that wants to break into the museum and take everything I can get my hands on.

On a different note, the Gotham Zoo is not suited for the tiger cubs. The New York Zoo would do, if I have no other choice, which I might not. There is something about Metropolis that just... sits wrong with me. So, either I ask Ted to help me get in to talk to the right people in New York or I try to pull some strings to get them to update the cat enclosures in Gotham. Neither one is going to be anything near easy. I haven't even seen them and I know how far I'll go for these cats.

It would have been easy at one point. At one time, I would have just stolen all of the money I needed for the donation out of some mob boss' safe and ... it would have been good. I can't play that way anymore and I hate feeling chained down like that. I hate the lack of options. I'm not hurting for money but I'm not exactly in a position to fund a wing of a zoo.

I wouldn't ever want someone to read this and get the impression that I'm not happy with the choices I've made. I am happier than I've been in some time with Bruce. That's part of the issue. I'm not good at being happy. We're both horrible at it. We sabotage ourselves and each other because we terrified of being happy.

Because when you're happy and when you admit to having people that you love... they can be taken away from you.

Holly, Bruce... Harvey, Diana... Dick, Barbara... Ted... There are people worth the risk but old habits die really hard.

Just when I think I've gotten passed the old habits, something happens and I feel the claws dig in once again.

Hell, I need to go see Ted.

Selina looks over the list she's written out. After the night ... evening... she had with Bruce, this seems all the more important. Working on something of a budget is rough. It isn't like she can just go out and steal everything or even suppliment her income that way.

She really has no idea how to juggle everything.

Bruce - Check. It was difficult but... Check.
Alfred - Check. She might have to get him something more....
Holly - Check. This one was easy once she came up with the idea.
Karon - Also a check.
Harvey - Check but... She wants to see if she can find something else.... something ... more.
Ted - Check!
Isis and Pong - Check

Selina thinks about T'Challa for a few moments but she wouldn't know what to buy him let alone how to get it to him. Things being in other dimmensions are stupid like that.

She can't help but think that she's forgetting someo...

Selina looks up into the air and lets out a slow breath.

( It's time to go visit Maggie. )

Selina does, apparently.

She's gone shopping and her apartment seems to have exploded in wrapping paper. For someone who has as much manual dexterity as she does, she's really not very good at wrapping presents. She was going to just give them to the peopel in the mall and let them wrap them but nooooo. Selina decided to try to do it herself and now there is tape everywhere. And paper. And ribbon. And who knows what else.

And Selina has a few boxes that look as though a second grader attacked them brutally with tape and wrapping paper. You could make a crime scene out of her living toom.

Trying to make a Merry Christmas for people who aren't merry at all and usually only notice it is Christmas because of the weather and all of the decorations to swing off of.

She's trying not to think of all of the things that she can't do anything about. She can't help Diana. She has no idea what is going on with Jason. His things are gone and she has no idea where he's gone.

Sighing, she reaches up and pulls tape out of her hair carefully. Just as Isis and Pong decide that wrapping paper is the best toy. Ever.

Ah well. At least it is making someone happy.

Selina walks through her old house, looking around. She hears the noises and she knows what is happening in the house as she makes her way down the hallway.

Hide in the closet... Go. Don't see this... The strange dichotomy of being her youngerself and her older self is difficult to handle at this moment. Her younger self needs to go around the corner and see what is happening. The older already knows. Turning the corner, she sees her father's hand connect with her mother's face. There is a moment as her mother falls, where time seems frozen, her eyes connecting with her mother's.

Turning, she runs, ending up in the bathroom. This isn't where she wants to be. No.. No..

Looking down into the bathtub, she sees the water stained red and sinks to the ground.

In the way of dreams, she feels herself pull out of herself. The scene shifts around her and the room fades away, blurs out of focus and she is looking down at the back of a little girl. Her head is covered in long dark wavy hair. Turning, the girl looks up at Selina and there is... that moment of connection... and then Selina feels herself falling.

Waking up quickly, Selina pulls a breath in sharply before she feels the twin trails of wetness sliding down her cheeks.

Selina got up far too late today. It has to do with the fact that she stays up far too late at night but she's had things to do. Two jobs in a week while the other days have been taken up with protecting the East End... She's been busy. Stealing and returning the eggs were all well and good but in order to really put her mark on it, she had to steal something more... cat-like. And there was this collection of jewels in town with a distinctive name....

They too, will be given back.

Stealing is oh so much like a drug.

Right now, Selina is curled up on her couch with her cats. She's been doing a lot of thinking recently. Visiting the big cats at the zoo, spending time with Pong and Isis. She isn't entirely certain what she's thinking about yet but she can feel the thoughts twisting around in the back of her head. She knows it has something to do with cages and the perceptions of being trapped.

She also finally had the time to realize that the other girls taken along with her... When she chose them for him to free... He'd killed them. She should have realized that he would but it hadn't hit. She will never be happier than to testify against that man. She should call Harvey and check on how that works.

Right now, however, she's curled up on her couch, drowsing.

Selina stands on the other side of the bars looking at the big cats. In this case, there aren't actually any bars. Just a big pit and high walls but the effect is the same. She's checked in with Holly again making sure she's still okay. Holly had some information for her, pretty standard stuff all in all. She told Holly that if she disappears again that she can get in touch with Harvey. That entire friend thing is getting weird.

Looking at the mountain lions pacing around in the cage, Selina ducks under the railing and then boosts herself up to sit on the railing. Some zoo official is going to come and tell her to get down soon enough but for now, she stays up here looking at the cats. She's contributed enough money over the years... most of it not her own but she's helped improve the quality of life for these cats and that has to count for something.

She wants to set them free. She wants to break in and let them go but as much as she has a way with cats, she's not bringing tigers home with her. Even if the idea is somewhat amusing. The saddest part is that they're probably safer in here than out in the wild where they're hunted.

Which is a thought that gives her pause. Wouldn't the same be true of her as well? There are a few ways to think about a cage, a few different types but wouldn't she be safer in one than not? It still doesn't mean she wants to be in one. Right?

Coming here is always melancholy. She loves to see all of the cats but seeing them here always seems to make her a bit depressed.

Selina makes her way back to Wayne Manor, to the room that Bruce put her into, the entire time wondering why the hell she's doing it. She can go home now, right? He's awake and getting better, she doesn't have to be here.

She wants to be here. She wants to be part of a family and damn him for making it look possible.

It's making her fingers itch and she's here surrounded by all of these pretty things. There isn't anything all that really tempts her here in the house and she has too much respect for Alfred. Besides, she'd stolen Jason's cocktail and that was a good thing. It wasn't that challenging to do but it was satisfying.

She needs to talk to someone about this situation with Bruce but there isn't any one she can think of to talk to about it. All of the options are problematic.

It isn't often Selina wishes she had more friends. The people she could talk to... Alfred, Barbara... Ted? This isn't something she can talk to them about.

She loves him. She flinches a bit, even at the mental admission of it. She wants to do the right thing.

She just has no idea what that right thing might be and she's hating it.

She really needs to find someone to talk to about this. Soon. Before she starts talking to herself.

I'm no good at this beside thing.

With Alfred, I read to him from a book. With Bruce... I don't know what to do. He's so pale.

Diana and I have been making certain not to visit for too long at the same time. We'd just rather not be awkward in silence. I think we can be friends. Maybe. (Who the hell do I think I am, friends with Princess Diana?) If we ever get there but there is too much in the way right now.

I look at him and I think about it. I think about walking away. Just... leaving. Not letting it hurt me anymore. Not letting him /inside/ me like he is.

Getting the hell out of Gotham.

I'm still here, though, aren't I? I'm still here and I'm taking my turn sitting at his bedside, talking to him, wondering if he can hear me and wondering the entire time... Why am I still here? When I'm completely honest with myself, I acknowledge the desires for family of some sort. I'll admit that I ... I have strong feelings for Bruce but for the most part, I just want to cut and run.

Save myself the heartbreak of it happening later.

Because leaving first makes so much damned sense. Yeah. That's intelligent and mature, Selina.

Damn it.

"It rained pingpong balls today. I had to save a pretty cat from them. I know. People in danger and I saved the cat. It's so ... cliche of me but.. It's what happened..."

It takes her longer than it should have to find the Sekhmet statue. She knew where she had it but it wasn't there.

By the time she found it, she was almost crying out of frustration and worry.

She hadn't expected to find a statue of Bast along with it. Especially a matching statue to the first one. She pauses for a few moments looking at them, running her hands over them.

Pressing her hands against the heads of the statues she looks down at them in silence for a few moments.

Frowning she starts to speak, "I... I'm not good at asking... for much of anything." Pressing her lips together, she pauses and starts again, "And I'm not much for prayer or belief or anything like that... I've always done better for myself than anyone else has. But if you could give me.. just a little bit of help here... Please? I ... I don't know how this works, or it is supposed to work but... This one time, I'm asking. If anyone is listening out there... Now would be a good time."

Pulling the bag over, she starts to wrap the statues in order to keep them safe for her wild ride back to the Cave.

Selina sits on the couch, carefully running her hand along Isis' black fur, wondering how it is that she's staying here when her first instinct was to get the hell out of here.

Isis stretches and climbs further into Selina's lap, yawning.

She's here because she needs to help, because she needs to be here. It might be that she would rather try to tackle this on her own but that isn' really an option here. Still, being here in his house when he isn't feels... strange. It is a constant reminder that he isn't here and that she isn't sure if she belongs here... without him.

There is a soft sigh from Selina and she knows she can't be out there right now. She's going to push it, soon, though. She cannot just /sit/ here. It's driving her slowly mad to just sit here.... and lounge. And have Alfred serve her lunch.

She's not sure she'll ever entirely get used to that, comfortable with that. She's not sure she wants to.

Soon, she'll make her way to visit Ted and then she'll do what she can to help where ever she's needed.